The Ref: Labyrinth Style
by Northstar1
Summary: PG for mild language. Basically, it's a Christmas story from last year that just got posted. Take the movie idea of The Ref, and add the Labyrinth.
1. Christmas Eve Nightmare

The Ref: Labyrinth Style  
By Northstar  
  


Disclaimer: I don't own labyrinth or the characters. The Ref is a hilariously funny movie that I don't own. Any resemblence this family has to yours is purely coincidental...  
  


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"...yeah, he kept hitting my balls," young Wally said, a slight chuckle in his voice.  
"You only had one ball, dork!" interjected his older brother.  
_Oh goddess, please make it stop!_ I thought, sitting on the living room floor by my mother's chair. What is it about my family that the males are infatuated with the sport of golf? My uncles, one of whom lives in Florida, the other here in North Carolina, were actually making plans for the summer over getting together for golfing. I would have thought that my cousin Rick and his younger brother Wally would at LEAST have something else to talk about, but there they were, sitting and discussing golf with my mother's two brothers, while my late-twentysomething cousin Betty was trying to explain to my grandmother about 'wrasslin'.  
"In't that right, daddy?" Betty asked. Uncle Lew looked over from his golf discussion, and so did my cousins. Oh boy, once again, I was cut from the family life as they began discussing the favorite moves of their favorite wrestlers. My mom and grandma were no help. Ma-ma, my name for my grandma, was getting noticibly short-tempered, as if bitching about how we spent too much money on her hadn't been the highlight of her evening. Mom was off in la-la land, a glazed look on her face, answering 'uh huh' and 'that's right, mama' every so often. It made me want to puke, I was sooooo bored. My mind flashed back to that plea for help Sarah had once made. You know, the one that goes 'Someone save me, someone take me away from this awful place!' I finally knew how she felt.  
I had TRIED to be pleasant and 'social' since my cousins had arrived for a belated Christmas reunion. Really I had. Muttering about the bathroom, I stood up and tried not to trip over the scattering of shredded, happy holiday's-wrapping paper and torn boxes that had once held the traditional gifts of tacky neckties, cluttering snowglobes, and various cheerful t-shirts, sweaters, and other articles of clothes. At least I had gotten that zip drive I wanted for my laptop and not another make-up case. Once out of earshot, I couldn't help but mutter those ill-fated words.   
"I wish the goblins would come and take you all away, right now!"  


* * * * *

  
Now, you would think I would know better, wouldn't you? After all, I am a practitioner of Wicca, though my family thinks its just a new-age kick I'm on. Yeah, I should have known better, but I was just so irritated, that I couldn't help myself. A cold wind swept through the hallway, from the direction of the living room. Suddenly, all was silence. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten, then banged my head against the hall wall.  
"Baka, baka, baka, baka..." I kept repeating, tapping my head against the plaster wall, just below that sickly-sweet piece of framed embroidery that said 'A mother's love is evergreen' with a small grove of pine trees on it. As I went to bang by head harder, a hand interposed itself between me and the wall.  
"You know, you are already low on brain cells, Ann. You really don't need to damage any more," came that cold, mocking voice laced with false concern. I turned my head to the right and looked up. Yup, it was him. Bad 80's hair, glam-rock makeup, and loads of glitter. Oh, and I can't forget those tiny little fangs that you don't even notice. With an act of pure, supernatural will I kept my eyes on his face, resisting the urge to let them travel lower. He chuckled, as if knowing what I was thinking.  
"Well, Merry Christmas, Ann. I think you know the drill, hmm?" I rolled my eyes and stalked into the living room, now deserted. If possible, it was even colder now that everyone had been taken away. Except for the glitter on the floor, it looked perfectly normal. Pretty soft lights on a tall christmas tree, hung with small, tasteful ornaments. The trimming on the mantle over the fireplace shedding all over the offwhite carpet. As I stood there, I felt him come up behind me.  
"Yeah yeah. I know. 13 hours, and if I don't solve the labyrinth in the allotted time period, you turn my family into goblins, right?" I could practically see the smirk that was probably haunting his mouth right then. The room wavered, and suddenly I was standing on the top of a hill, over looking a huge maze. A cold wind whistled through the trees, and I hastily zipped up my nice, new black leather jacket that had been my other Christmas gift from my mom. "Brrrrr. Don't you ever do anything about the weather around here?" I asked, my teeth chattering as I blew into my hands to keep them warm. Evidently, it was winter in the Labyrinth too.  
Laughing, Jareth began to fade from view. After he had gone, I noticed something dark laying on the ground where he had been standing. Looking closer, I realized they were a pair of black leather gloves, and they looked awfully warm too. Grinning, I slid the pair on and picked my way carefully down the hill.  


* * * * *

  
Of course, I found out later from one of the goblins that I wasn't the only one suffering during that time period. After all, Jareth was in the same castle as the majority of my immediate family. Now, considering that they include a bitchy, irritable, childlike grandmother, a worried mother, a furious schoolteacher, an angry pest-controller, a bailiff, his daughter, and an aunt with a strident voice, you've got a major brawl brewing. Add in my two male cousins, who were having the best time of their lives, and you've got pure chaos. Now, to understand what the King was goining through, you need to understand a little of my family's history. My grandmother is practically crippled, and very domineering. She shamed my mother into moving back in and taking care of her, while driving my uncles away, and refusing to speak to Uncle Lew and his family for about five years because they didn't do enough for her. I was always being compared to Rick and Wally, and they hated it as much as I did, though they never said anything because they got good presents for every holiday. Relations between my various family members was now tentative, but they were getting stronger. However, we all knew that just one bad thing would start the 'family feud' up again. Well, boys and girls, you guessed it. My wishing them away proved it, and poor Jareth was paying the price.  
"How dare you! I demand that you return us at once, you here?" came my aunt Petra's strident voice as she jabbed a finger into the king's breast. At the look on his face she backed up, to be replaced by her husband, my uncle Lew, the bailiff.   
"I have a lot of connections, you freak. This is kidnapping, and I'll see you in court!" he threatened, getting into Jareth's face. The King backed up in confusion, only to run into the huge bulk of my uncle Will.  
"You have no right, your majesty," he said, glowering threateningly as he blocked Jareth's path. Now, my uncle Will is a good 300 pounds of muscle and flab. Compared to him, Jareth looked like a beanpole. My aunt Lilly supported her husband, a look on her face that she reserved only for errant students. Jareth gulped and reached for a crystal.  
"I have every right," he said coldly, trying ot recover his composure. Disappearing, he reappeared on his throne, away from my angry aunts and uncles. "You neice, Ann, wished that the goblins would come and take you away, and so they did. I rule here, and that gives me the right to hold you here until Ann masters my labyrinth, and if she doesn't, then you all become my servants as goblins." He began to chuckle at that thought, but was stopped by my grandmother's voice.  
"Mary Anne, I told you that that daughter of yours was just like the other Vaugners!" she screeched. "That whole family is rubbish and unholy and trashy. I warned you against marrying one of THEM, but nooooo. And now look! Just like her father, the little ingrate."  
"Mama, that is your own granddaughter! Ann would NEVER do something like that on purpose. And that is my dead husband's family you are talking about! Sure they've got their problems, but so do YOU!" my mom replied, her voice hurt and her hazel-brown eyes full of tears as she confronted my tiny, little bitch of a grandmother. My uncles also leaped into the fray, my aunts not far behind.  
"Mama, how could you SAY such a thing about Ann?!" Uncle Will exclaimed. "We all know that you don't think much of the child, but she is so gentle natured, she wouldn't have done this on purpose. She probably meant to say only YOU to be taken away by goblins!" he finished, looking at Ma-ma in angry shock.  
My granma stood there in shock. Never had my mom or my Uncle Will talked to her in such a manner. Uncle Lew and Aunt Petra had, but then, they were the brave ones of the family. She looked back at mom, her breathing coming faster. "You ingrate! Who took you in after that husband of yours died? Who looked after your little hellion while you went to work, hmmm? Who pays the bills, and who's house do you live in?" she exclaimed, her eyes going wide as she broke out into a sweat. Ma-ma has heart disease, y'know.  
As is sensing danger signals, Jareth quickly intervened, which was in retrospect not the smartest thing for him to do. "Be silent you old hag," he whispered, staring Ma-ma right in the eyes. Ma-ma looked at him, and was instantly entranced. Her heartrate slowed, and she became calm again. Of course, by now ALL of my relatives were up in arms.  
Rick and Wally immediately began shouting profanities at Jareth, while my mom and aunts tried to support Ma-ma. Uncle Lew and Uncle Will began arguing over who's fault it was THIS time. All of the goblins in the throne room began to slink out, leaving their king to the mess he had made.  
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" the king screamed, having finally gone bonkers himself. With a wave of his hand, Ma-ma was encased in crystal, and the rest of my family suddenly found themselves bound in wooden chairs. Slumping on his throne, Jareth raised his eyes to the ceiling.  
"I'm being punished for something, aren't I?"  


* * * * * * 

  
  


So What's Ann Up To?  
  
What a stupid fanfic.  
  



	2. Until Next Year!

The Ref - Labyrinth Style!  
Part II  
By: Northstar  
  


Disclaimer: Hey, I finally got around to posting part two! Anyway, you know the drill. I don't own either Labyrinth or The Ref, which inspired this fanfic. What a wonderful movie it was! If you haven't seen it, I suggest you rent it.  


* * * * * * * * * * * *

  
  
Now, with all that going on in the castle, what do you think I was doing? Well, "nothing" wouldn't have been exactly correct. After all, I had found the gates and entered the labyrinth. However, I was no longer so sure in my mission.  
You've met my family. Sometimes, I think letting them be turned into goblins would have been a relief. You can tell I'm big on family loyalty, eh? Anyway, there I was, dressed all in black, sitting on my butt on the floor of the maze, having an argument with myself...  
_They are my family, I'm responsible for them!_  
"Like hell I am! They are all adults...physically at least. And besides, most of them are pains in the butt, with the exception of my mom..."  
_Exactly! In order to rescue mom I have to rescue the rest of my family._  
"I COULD just make a bargain with Jareth...I solve the labyrinth, he keeps all my relatives except for mom and me..."  
_ANN!_  
"Oh screw it...."  


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  
  
Jareth, on the other hand, was more than ready to bargain. Wally and Rick had somehow gotten loose, and Tights could't find them. Only a crash every now and then let him know which direction they could have taken. Finally, the goblin king gave up.  
Appearing in a puff of glitter beside me, the goblin king looked like a royal mess. His hair was disheveled, and his clothes rumpled. I couldn't help it. I looked up at him and smiled nastily.  
"So, how's it going, your majesty? Still want to keep my family? Well, you can. I don't want them, just my mom. Give her back to me and..."I started. Jareth wasn't having any of it.  
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" the king screeched, his eyes wide with fright...or maybe he had just lost it. "Now, I am calling this game off. You can take your hideous family and go home! I don't want any of you here, now or ever!"   
Before I could reply, I found myself sitting in my living room again, listening to my family talk about golf and "wrasslin". I looked around guiltily, but no one seemed to remember what had happened. Everything was as it had been when I wished the whole lot away.  
_DAMN!_  
Muttering something about the bathroom, I got up, kicking aside the various pieces of gaudy wrapping paper. Leaving the bright living room behind me, I slumped against the wall, and looked around.  
"Cute, just cute. You know, I made the wrong wish. I wish the goblins would come and take ME away, right now!"  
_Hmph. If I can't get rid of my family, I can get rid of myself!_ I thought as I saw the lights flicker, and beady eyes opened in the shadows.   
And that's how I got where I am right now, wandering in the Labyrinth until I somehow manage to find my way out. Of course, I'm not in any hurry, not at all! As a matter of fact, the fireys are throwing a party, and I've been invited. I just hope they leave my head alone this time...  
And as for Jareth, King of the Goblins, well, last I heard, he was still in therapy sessions. Hmph. These royal types...so high strung!   


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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!  
  



End file.
